Coping with ADHD often means dealing with the expectations of other people.
Have you noticed how those expectations often come in the form of ‘a should’?
You SHOULD do this. You SHOULD do that.
Do you get fed up with being ‘shoulded’ on?
All the zillions of ideas other people have for what steps you SHOULD take for coping with your ADHD and what you SHOULD do to improve your life.
I get tired of being SHOULDED on, too.
Recently I discovered a web site that at first glance I thought fabulous. It’s a blog about living more simply; getting organized and clearing life and home of unnecessary clutter. Sounds great doesn’t it?
However, this blog soon bombarded me with shoulds.
For example, according to the blogger I SHOULD clean my bathroom after EACH TIME I USE IT. Give me a break. I’m lucky if I’ve got toilet paper on hand let alone getting out the toilet brush each time I go!
So why do shoulds make me so livid?
Because shoulds are someone else’s idea of how I ought to do things. When someone tells me I SHOULD do something they are imposing their beliefs on me.
Adults with ADHD are challenged enough coping with ADHD day-to-day without other people telling us what we should do.
To live successfully with ADHD you have to do what works for you. Not what others think you should do.
So What Can You Do When You’re Being Shoulded On?
Notice the shoulds and then choose what is right for you. I also retort with an innocently sweet, “I should, huh?”
Coping with ADHD often means doing things differently than what works for other people. It means making organizing and self-care easy.
Please, beware of other people shoulding on you.
While you’re at it, beware of shoulding on yourself. All the many thoughts you have for what you SHOULD do to be a better person. How you SHOULD be organized and manage your time.
I find many of my ADHD coaching clients are awash in self-shoulding. Often coming from a life-time of feeling like they don’t measure up because of getting an ADHD diagnosis as an adult and living a life of unmanaged Attention Deficit.
One of my jobs as and Adult ADD / ADHD coach is to increase my client’s awareness so they make conscious decisions for coping with ADHD in their own way.
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These statements about “shoulding” were originally stated by the psychologist Albert Ellis, Ph.D., who is the father of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (R.E.B.T). His R.E.B.T. work is often re-stated by many organizations including Weight Watchers and substance abuse groups, but is never referenced or quoted. I am quite sure that if Al were alive and saw this, he would be flattered, and would not reprimand or “should” you. However, I don’t think he would mind my saying, “it would be nice” if you referenced his work! All the best to you, though, for the good work you do.
Thank you for the information. I’ve used the ‘shoulding’ idea for years. Frankly, I don’t even remember where I heard it. Probably at an ADDA or an ADHD coach conference. Of course Dr Ellis needs credit for his cleverness.
Love this information
Thanks Tammy! Great to hear. I do try to be helpful. Dana