We continue to follow Maya’s journey in the ADHD Success Club. After the Orientation call, Maya muses about ADHD inconsistency.
“Maya, when you’re everywhere, you’re nowhere.” When a mentor told me that 20 years ago, I knew this scatteredness of mine created personal obstacles.Even with awareness, these scattered thoughts and habits still get in my way.
For three years, I’ve worked hard to personally and medically manage my ADHD. At times, I feel like I’m winning the game. Other times, I feel like the poster child of ADHD. Last year my nuts and bolts principal criticized a too-busy and scattered lesson; he told me how he’d seen some outstanding teaching days and some not-so-good ones over the two years he’d evaluated me. In that moment, as in many others, I knew my teaching practice was exactly what he’d recently described as “consistently inconsistent.”
Setting the stage for the Success Club, last week Dana explained, “ADHD adults are consistently inconsistent.” ADHD again, I groaned to myself all too painfully aware of this drama playing out in ALL areas of my life. Dana explained how the first step in change is awareness, I beat myself up as I thought of how long I’ve been aware and fighting this battle.
I have conceptual awareness; what I need is moment-to-moment awareness. When I lose track of time and leave work, I am aware. Of course, sometimes it takes the dark of the night as I walk to my car for my awareness to click. Annoyed by my ADHD inconsistency, I recently snapped contrasting photos on my dashboard as I parked my car in my garage:
This inconsistency impacts my entire family, especially my nine-year-old daughter who wants me home to play with her by 5:30. Sometimes 6 PM comes and goes and my family eats dinner without me. My teacher husband is amazing and runs circles around me as he covers my slack. While he tries to be patient, I know my inconsistency wears on him. When I come home and see my plate on an otherwise cleared table, mother and wife guilt tugs at my heart.
As I listened to Dana’s calls last week, I instantly connected with a community of people speaking my language. As members of the community shared, I heard my own story–one member went through a planner search like mine (I think we even read the same ADHDer’s blog). We both struggled to commit to one system–I wanted to combine systems. Once again the words resonate, “Maya, when you’re everywhere, you’re nowhere.” TRUE. “Maya, you’re consistently inconsistent.” TRUE. And a small voice almost unheard reminds me, “Awareness is the first step.” Perhaps a small step but still a step.
Another group member talked about distractions while preparing dinner. While I can’t relate to distractions of culinary creations, I can relate to embracing any distraction that takes me away from the monotony of necessary tasks like planning and grading. I embrace distractions at work–people, ideas–anything shinier that calls me away from monotony to the point that what needs to get done at a certain time isn’t done. Another group member talked about staying up too late and having inconsistent bedtimes. For me, when work isn’t done at work, it’s done late at night and sleep is sacrificed.
I like the idea of refocusing my energy with the mental/verbal self-redirection cue Dana suggests, “The name of the game is…” could help me direct my focus. Yes, I often lose sight of the name of the game, I’m distracted in a moment and unaware of time, deadlines, and priorities. Oftentimes, I’m not even sure what the name of my game is.
Dana explained how I will experience greater success if I play full out with determination and resolve. She also explained that, when managed, the gifts of ADHD could outweigh the negatives. I see glimpses of this gift in myself and others, and my greatest hope is that those gifts will be realized and that I’ll be able to manage my ADHD and become consistently consistent.
No longer frozen in awareness, I am moving forward. I’m am ready to play full out.The stage is set, the notebook is ready, and I am like an excited freshman after orientation. I can’t wait for the first day of class because I know this awareness is finally going to lead to clarity and action–what I’ve looked for my entire life. I know with the right tools that the reality I live will match the priorities in my heart. To find a way to live unencumbered by “woulda-coulda-shoulda” guilt and frequent negative self-talk. Yes, Dana, I know the name of the game. Put me in, coach. I’m ready to play full out!
Read more about Maya’s journey to overcome ADHD inconsistency this year, you’ll find more here on her blog. Click here to learn more about the ADHD Success Club.
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