While on the treadmill at t
he gym the other day, I eavesdropped on a nearby conversation. Hearing, “using ADHD as an excuse”, grabbed my attention.
(Yes, I admit it. I’m an eavesdropper. People are so interesting!)
Anyway, a woman was discussing her husband’s ADHD with her girlfriend. Lamenting how often her guy used ADHD as an excuse.
“He blames everything on his ADHD. Why he’s late picking up the kids. Why he forgets to stop at the market. Why he spends too much money. I wish I had something to blame everything on.”
Since I was eavesdropping, I squelched my impulse to join the conversation. It did get me thinking though.
There is a fine line between using ADHD as an excuse and using it as an explanation.
Adults with ADHD often do need to explain our behavior — if not to others than at least to ourselves. But we need to know the difference between using ADHD as an excuse and an explanation.
Pay attention. Knowing the difference between an excuse and an explanation is subtle. Yet it’s an important point if you want to change your relationship with your ADHD.
Using ADHD as an Excuse
I believe using ADHD as an excuse implies a total lack of control where unwanted behavior becomes the fault of the attention deficit.
Here’s an example of using ADHD as an excuse: “Since I have ADHD, my house is always a mess, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
I think using ADHD as an explanation suggests taking responsibility for the behavior. Working to change what can be changed and accepting what can’t be changed.
Now let’s use the same example with ADHD as an explanation: “I have ADHD so it’s hard for me to keep the house tidy. I have to set things up so it’s easier for me to stay organized and hire a housekeeper.”
See the difference?
Remember the woman at the gym? Likely her husband’s behavior wouldn’t frustrate her nearly as much if instead of making excuses he honestly tried to change and used explanations instead.
What about you?
Are you using ADHD as an excuse? If so, what do you need to do to take responsibility for your actions? Shift to making explanations for ADHD’s impact on your behavior. It’s worth the work.
Tired of struggling with ADHD? You’re in the right place. ADHD Success is loaded with free, practical tips to help you get organized, manage your time, and live more easily with Adult ADHD. Like what you read? Sign up for the newsletter now! No Spam. I promise!
I feel like a blind man trying to see. I know that I need structure and all, but the task of getting that is place is so hard … and that is often considered the excuse. I just feel there is so little I can do about it…. Do I want to? Yes. but if the parner telles you every day that 7 years of wainting and trying to help etc. is more than enough, it’s hard to get yourself together and do the right moves. It is so easy to just give up and sometimes just slepeing forever seems the best cure instead of those demons I have to face each day. The guilt, the frustration, all that I have caused myself without knowing and wanting.
I hardly bring up my ADHD in fear of people that won’t understand or because I myself feel like I use it as an excuse even though people tell me off for having bad concentration during work or not being able to clock on. My room is a mess and I hardly clean it even though it’s so easy to pick up a broom and sweep up my problem.
Lately my ADHD has skyrocketed. I don’t know if it’s the hyperactivity or something else, but I can’t sleep properly and when I replay something in my head whether it’s a good memory or something I feel guilty about, my body stops on its own as my head does the clockwork and people think I’m dement. I’m only 19!!!
I mentioned I worked earlier in another paragraph, and that job is working at my family’s hotel and my aunt is my boss. She doesn’t understand when I have my hyperactivity or very low energy. I eat when I can (all the time) so it’s not nutrition deficiency and I’ve had blood tests that show normal numbers in everything. This is how I found out its my own brain playing tricks on me and it’s affecting my everyday life. It’s so stressful trying to explain to my aunt that all my strange and unusual actions are due to my ADHD but she says I’m using it as an excuse, hense why I’m in this very page writing this comment 🙂
I hate even saying anything about adhd at home. I only try to talk about it when away from my folks. Because it’s always downplayed as an excuse, even when I’m just explaining. And I try to strictly make it an explanation that it makes things harder, but nope, still excuses. I honestly feel trapped in a cycle of “HOW DO I DO RIGHT WITHOUT FORGETTING THIS OR THAT!?” says my inner self. FTR, 35 year old adhd male. Single, in college and living with parents. Not with a girlfriend or fiance or wife who doesn’t understand, it’s my parents I live with. And I know of the stupid things I’ve done. Meant to or not, I’ve forgotten many things. I’ve untionally stolen, I’ve unintentionally lied, I’ve been places too long, I’ve spent too much money and my card got overdrawn, I’ve been disrespectful, I’ve screamed and yelled, too many things that I wish I could take back. That is me owning what I’ve done. And deep down I fear doing worse. I fear that a side of me who is willing to hurt everyone and is selfish and just doesn’t care at all will come out and take control. But that is not who I wish to be. It’s not an excuse, its a part of me that I face. But still, its an excuse or a lie no matter what. I honestly just want to make things right and they stay right, not be fearful that it will get horrible again.
I’m honestly looking for help. I’m a child with a ton of focus problems and stuff at school and my mother knows I’ve been diagnosed with adhd, and says I always give excuses when I try to tell her about difficulties I have all the time. When I was little, I hyperfixated on learning and made it my only priority, making me learn really fast making k-4th grade pretty easy (I never did homework because I used to forget, but I was a little kid, and I would cry over homework because it was so hard to focus on I’d normally do easy addition I knew before everyone else I’d spend 15-30 minutes on it). Currently, I have no ability to learn ahead considering I’m forced into several after school activities and often don’t have time til later afternoon to evening time (5-8) to do my homework, which is often math homework, which I have the hardest time doing without looking things up because I have problems doing work outside of a school environment, because it pretty much hurts to do work in an environment I’ve always learned I’m supposed to relax in. Having homework every single night while also having to live with the number one trigger of a severe phobia I have (katsaridaphobia). Having (cause of phobia)s living in my kitchen makes me afraid to eat/sleep and I’m also afraid to be in any room of my house and any thought of it end up with me crying, as I am currently. Having that many stressful things atop other problems obviously isn’t healthy. I don’t get enough sleep/food/water, and I’m constantly stressed/afraid, and it causes me to have almost no motivation to do anything. So I have no motivation to begin with because my OH SO LOVELY adhd decided to take that, and then all the stupid environmental stuff I have to deal with daily takes the rest. Saying “I didn’t do my homework because I have adhd” (which almost never happens because I almost cried in class when my teacher said “why didn’t you do your homework?” “Seriously?” So I NEVER want to experience it again) isn’t an excuse, it is literally a cry for help. My mother and/or grandma have even been asked by my doctor to get me a 504 plan, they just didn’t. =(
Hey Alexis. My heart goes out to you. I sucks when life is so hard and the people who are supposed to help you don’t and won’t. Is there a school counselor or someone who can help you at school? Wishing you all the best, Dana
I use my ADD, Depression and OCD as an excuse for literally everything. And to be honest I don’t know where to start. I just got out of a HUGE fight with my mother because she usually ends up taking on my responsibilities and I often get mad at her for doing so because I feel judged and ashamed that I need support ( finances is the main culprit here). I know she is right in claiming I need to be more responsible and need to stop putting everything on her ( it’s seems lately, we only talk when I am I’m crisis) but I honestly have no idea how to fix our relationship or the relationship I have with my learned helplessness and mental health.
I’m a mom with a daughter who has ADHD. I have been guilty of taking over her chores when I’ve asked her to do it and it goes undone. Sometimes I wait a day, sometimes I ask more than once, and sometimes I’ve waited 2 weeks. She is 28 and lives with me. I don’t charge her rent, but she pays her car insurance, car payment, and the water bill. She got divorced recently after her marriage became toxic. She went through several diagnoses before we got to ADHD and that one seems to fit the best. I wanted her to have a safe place to recover and to begin learning some self care and routines to help her. It’s been a year and she’s doing really great at her job and in her other relationships. Ours, though, is fraught with frustration. She gets very defensive when I try to talk to her about these things. We both see therapists, and often, we meet together – all four of us. I have read the books, changed the way I think about her ADHD symptoms, and my behavior about taking over the things I’ve asked her to do. She’s still very defensive when I approach her about it. I have no idea where to go from here.
On this journey, we have discovered that I probably also have ADHD and have spent a lifetime finding ways on my own to cope and maskwith OCD. So I’m also learning about myself and some things I did when she was a child that weren’t great ways to handle ADHD. Back then, we had no idea at all about ADHD, and no one from school ever brought it up, so I had a “boot straps” mentality about it. You know, I did *it* without help so you can too. I’m trying to undo some of that now and work with her and learn for myself. Even with great therapists, this is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
hello, I’m 43, a mom of two who both fell from the same tree LOL. I was diagnosed at 4 years old in the ’80’s . Constantly corrected, pulled out of classes for the learning center, I didn’t take science until I was in high school and never took a foreign language because of my attention. deficit hyperactivity disorder! I honestly hate the idea of people saying that it is being used as an excuse! unfortunately none of us are the same. we might have similar characteristics and we might struggle with some of the same actual issues. But at the end of the day, it’s how our brains bodies, hormones and genetics are as an individual! I honestly never realized how much it truly affected me like really affected me! just trying to be normal like everyone else have everything goes smoothly because it’s a routine is not always the case.. we can do as much cognitive therapy as we want, but at the end of the day there are some things that we have to learn to accept about ourselves and make others that care about us. aware of how a particular ailment may affect us on the job at home in life parenting advocating whatever it may be! I’ll tell you hairy menopause and ADHD are not a fun combination. mentally we’re about 5 years younger than we actually are physically! That’s a fact! when it comes to certain abilities to remember things indie on top of everything and have people constantly add stuff onto our plate. it’s overwhelming. hard! the things that may come easy to others could be tremendously difficult for me to stay on top of and continue religiously. My favorite is when my mother who had me diagnosed (she’s also a nurse) at 4 years old she literally medicated me so much. and I was still hyper and distracted and all over the place.. but somehow the older I got she expected it to just go away and she wasn’t emotionally supportive in the ways that I needed. you can do everything under the Sun for your children, but if you can’t relate to them emotionally and make them feel secure and safe and that it’s okay to be different and that it may last a lifetime, but it doesn’t make you any less of a person.. than you are winning! both of my girls have ADHD. my oldest only needed a 504 and was able to push through a lot differently! my youngest very much so like myself as a child! but she is on an IEP and struggles with motivation. I let both of them know they are incredible and capable of anything that they put their mind to. but it is okay to fail and to struggle! learning how your ADHD affects you and taking it seriously is the only way you’re going to be able to overcome the things that hold you back, and that doesn’t mean that those things won’t still hold you back. but at least you feel like you have one foot in front of the other one when you have the right emotional support as well as educational support around you.
I’ve been searching the internet for some type of validation after a good friend of mine (who used to be fairly normal with priorities and time commitments) was diagnosed with ADHD and now uses it as an excuse for everything.
Used to be on time for most events but now is frequently *quirkily* 20-45 minutes late for everything and laughs it off as a cute ADHD thing.
Used to be very responsive to important texts. Now never replies, or replies five days later (thereby missing the opportunity to give input) and is like “oh shoot my ADHD! Can you reschedule the [insert whatever here]? Then I can join with [insert random nee person they met at a bar who no one knows or cares about.]”
Used to proactively communicate, now treats 6 month lapses in communication (because I’m exhausted trying to own the friendship) like an attack on their character. Even though they’ve been silent too.
Fights with their husband over how they never do chores or contribute around the house *because they have ADHD and they just forget.” But years prior they have said they just don’t care about housework because it’s boring. Then they become upset when their spouse doesn’t like how they are living in squalor because he can’t keep up with their clutter and lack of interest in cleaning.
Used to be a decent friend. Now never seems to know when it’s someone’s birthday even despite it being on their calendar.
Frequently references their mother’s narcissism as the reason they do self harming things, but then when confronted with narcissistic behaviors, they turn to ADHD as an excuse. Like repeatedly jabbing about their spouse maybe cheating with someone the spouse barely barely knows because their spouse had a conversation with the other person and didn’t include them. Or like refusing to stop engaging strangers to gain attention when their friends become uncomfortable with situations.
I’m just tired of the shit. First it was “I’m schizophrenic,” then, “I have major depressive disorder,” then, “I’m trans,” then, “I have ADHD!!” When are people going to realize diagnoses aren’t answers or personalities??? Just live with your shit and do your best. Shitting the bed and blaming it on a legitimate problem some people work hard to solve is complete bullshit.
Just own the BPD and move on. It’s incurable, but at least you’d be authentic, my dude.
I relate so much to this. Like there is no way to explain how hard it is just to think about how to start making all the changes in my life that my partner wants to see happen. Taking my bad behaviors personally, when they’re more other than not because of my ADHD. Thinks like not hearing him when I’m focused on something else, or being forgetful. There are times where I feel like I could just scream and explode because I’m so tired of apologizing and having to explain that I didn’t ignore him on purpose, or that my being late had nothing to do with how much I care about him. It’s a struggle. I’m not trying to feel sorry for myself, it just feels good to hear from others who understand. I know that it’s hard for my partner too. I can’t even imagine. I just feel like in my heart all I want is to live and love and be loved, and somehow I’m always having to defend my character. It’s exhausting.
hi my name’s David. I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years back. I’m 30 now. I have run into this issue recently with myself. my girlfriend got upset with me recently regarding how I constantly bring up my ADHD and how I use it as an excuse. for instance I feel somewhat of an impossible barrier when it comes to making a doctor’s appointment on the same day I work. it cripples me mentally to think about it. but she says I just need to do it. my RDS (rejection sensitive dysphoria) kicks in quite a bit also. as I write this I have a hard time gathering my thoughts even to explain myself. she says you always you say all of these things you need to do or people give you suggestions and you never follow through. keep in mind that over the last 7 months I have just began to get my executive functions in order. brushing my teeth showering eating properly and so on. I don’t really know what else to say other than I feel like I’m an imposter or something that doesn’t really have it and maybe I am making excuses and I fooled the doctor into believing I have it… please I just want someone to talk to.
Hi David, I’m sad to hear you’re struggling so much. I do hope you’re working with your doctor to better manage your ADHD. And, good for improving your Executive Functions. Wishing you all the best, Dana
Hi David, I saw your comment and just wanted to respond to you to tell you that you aren’t alone. I was diagnosed last year at 43, and I feel like I bring my ADHD up so often since I’ve found out. I think it’s because I’m just trying to process it. It’s a lot to take in and understand and to look back at my life and give reason to why I did what I did in so many instances. What you said about feeling like an imposter and that you fooled the doctor into believe you have it rings so true for me as well. Hang in there. Speak to someone who may be able to help you explore those feelings. It looks like Dana has some great insight and programs she offers. And, know you’re not alone.
Hi David!
If you’re still there, I’d like to offer a gentle “appointments, etc” solution – assuming your partner is up for it too.
I find myself that I have trouble doing things my partner is not doing. If he’s playing games, I want to; if he’s cooking, I want to clean the kitchen. Using body doubles like that can help us get through painful tasks.
Would it be possible to either a) have your partner sit nearby while you make the appointments you need to make? They can have the calendar at the ready, and their presence helps carve out a pocket of time to make the appointments. Or b) would it be possible to pencil in “Do Things Thursday” or something similar? You both do your taxes, make appointments, and/or review the budget – together but separately – at the same time on the same day.
The key thing is that it’s not that you can’t do it, it’s that you need a little extra support and understanding to make it happen. I’m sure that if she needs someone to hold onto you’d be there for her, and I hope she does (and will do) the same for you.
Regardless, you’re already doing amazing – taking care of yourself is hard work! And ADHD isn’t something that can be solved by “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” – it’s not about MORE effort, it’s about smart solutions so we don’t have to work so hard at this all the time.
I hope you find this helpful in some way, and that you are able to find the support you need in the ones you love.
Hey, just ran across this site. I hope you are doing ok. So much help is available today. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I’ve been married 42 years with a man that has adhd. Never knew what it was till in our 15th year of marriage. Been a roller coaster, but what a ride of a lifetime! Best wishes!
Hi. I stumbled onto this site while searching whether my partner’s ADHD is really the problem or whether he is just lazy. I am not the one with ADHD, but I need guidance before I give up on this relationship.
We’ve lived together for four years. He moved into my house and rented his place. He presented as incapable of handlling the business and prep/repair activities to reng, so it all fell to me. He rarely offers help around the house, and he sits around on his phone for countless hours while I do the yard work, cleaning, cooking and laundry. He won’t even voluntarily take out the trash, even if I let it spill over to the floor. But he can spend hours and hours and hours lost in internet land and listening to podcasts.
Whenever I ask him to do something, he just walks away. His excuse is that he doesn’t like being told what to do. It stresses him out and triggers him. I don’t tell; I ask.
When he moved in I turned over one of the guest rooms for him to use as a home office. It’s a pig sty!
He is a very intelligent man who held a high level position in the finance industry for over 20 years, so I know he’s smart and can function. But he can’t get it together to file his taxes on time, can’t find the paper work, finds them too confusing, and asks me to do them.
There are many weekend days when I just want to blow up and yell at him, tell him that I cannot take his laziness anymore and that we’re through. But I’ve constantly been reminded that he has ADHD and he has sent articles for me to read.
He won’t go to counseling, and he gets his prescriptions from his GP.
Is he playing me and using ADHD as an excuse?
Hi Alex. I totally get why you’re frustrated with the current situation. It sounds like there’s a big imbalance in household responsibilities and communication, which can be really annoying. It’s good that you’ve been patient and tried to understand where your partner is coming from, especially considering the challenges of ADHD.
ADHD can affect different parts of someone’s life, like handling tasks, taking on responsibilities, and dealing with stress. But it’s definitely important for both partners to actively work together to find solutions and make things better.
Honestly, it seems like your partner isn’t doing much to manage their ADHD, even though they’ve shared articles about it and are taking medication. It starts to sound like an excuse, especially since they seem to be functioning just fine at work.
If you’ve tried everything and things still don’t improve, and your partner keeps resisting getting help, maybe you should think about whether this relationship is really right for you. Your well-being matters too, and it’s totally okay to seek support for yourself as you deal with these challenges. Wishing you all the best, Dana
My partner “self–diagnosed” with ADHD years after we saw a couples counselor who suggested they might be suffering from ADHD. In the intervening years, my partner vehemently denied that anything had ever been wrong, that I misremembered the sessions, and that their behavioral issues and procrastination was always my fault, even after they lost jobs, money, and friendships. Now that they’ve “self–diagnosed” it’s viewed solely as some kind of pressure–relief valve meant to shut me up, even though it still isn’t medicated or effectively treated through therapy. “ADHD” is now an impossible obstacle that I must “understand” can’t be helped or dealt with; it’s 100 percent an excuse, coming from an individual who cares for nothing other than protecting own privileged comfort zone at all costs. They’ve gone through a roundabout of therapists; tight–lipped vagueness has resulted in years of “they never tell me what I’m supposed to do, so what can I do?” even though I know from experience – and their own, admitted behaviors – that they readily “tune out” when they’re being told something they don’t want to think about or understand. I’m becoming a resentful, angry, violent, and hateful person, forced to raise an adult child which only (conveniently) reinforces my partner’s self–defeating, “victimhood’ attitude. By daring to be my partner’s partner, I am the murdered messenger, held responsible for identifying when their mental health issues cost them on a personal level, held responsible for fixing those mental health issues, and held responsible for causing them by bringing them up. I’m trapped in a whirlwind of confusion; I consider suicide almost daily, because it’s the only thing left I can still control, but even if I did that, it would be recontextualized as me not being “strong enough” to “take care of” my partner; my death would be a footnote in a life they’d get to keep living. I’d be forgotten like so many dates, plans, and projects. I have nothing left.
Hello John,
I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. You are loved for being who you are, right now, and who you are is not just a comparison to your partner. Though I know nothing about your situation if you have been in such a painful place for so long it seems that you should leave your partner immediately– if you are considering suicide regularly this situation has to stop immediately and permanently. I likely am ADHD myself, but this is not just about whether they have ADHD or not– clearly they seem to be consistently manipulative and cruel. I urgently suggest you get in touch with and spend as much time as soon as possible (a call, a house visit, staying for days or weeks or months) with one or more close confidantes who treats you with love and respects you and ask for help and not be afraid to lay out the pain of your situation to them and ask for help .
You can also reach the national suicide prevention hotline at: 1-800-273-8255
I hope all the best for you, you deserve better and though things seem painfully bad now you can reconnect with love for yourself and from others and to others that you deserve.
John,
I had a partner with ADHD and felt much the same for the same reasons and I ended the marital relationship for both our benefits. We are now friends again and my anger is gone and it has forced him to assume responsibilities and be accountable for his actions or lack thereof for the first time in his life. I hope you got help and have realized there’s always an alternative to suicide. I hope your situation has improved.
If I didn’t know better I may as well have written this comment verbatim. That is to say, I’m in the *exact* situation as John here; my SO iself diagnosed weeks ago and already telling people (with glee, she’s so proud of it!) that she has been officially diagnosed when she has not. I’ve spent 5 long years with this person telling her it’s not ok to treat me or our child the way she does only to be told “I don’t do those things” (see: D.A.R.V.O) – but now it’s “oh it must be my ADHD” (but I thought you don’t do those things?) Of course, these ‘symptoms’ come and go to suite her needs. She blames me, saying I “owe her a huge apology for asking so much of her all these years when she’s had a mental disability the whole time”, as if I’m at fault for her toxic behavior. Of course, the behavior doesn’t stop, only occures when we’re alone, and she makes no attempts to use her ‘new-found knowledge’ to work around said ‘handicap’, just excuse her behavior. I too think about suicide on an almost daily basis.
This sounds like narcissism, not adhd. I can’t diagnose people, as I’m not a professional, however if it’s used as a manipulation tactic and only behind closed doors, I would suspect it isn’t ADHD. She also needs to be professionally diagnosed. There is no reason to use ADHD as an excuse for bad behaviour. It also invalidates those who truly have it and struggle. I would tell her to that she needs to be professionally diagnosed and that adhd and for your own sanity, to go see a counsellor for your self and share struggles. ADHD is not an excuse to treat others badly.
My 24yr old daughter recently self diagnosed her ADHD. It was never flagged during childhood. In fact she was always praised for attentiveness throughout all her school years. She got better than average grades. Never a complaint regarding her behaviour. Was pretty much always a well behaved child at home too. She has 4 younger siblings and they are all surprised by this sudden late onset ADHD. She is a talented musician and singer who writes her own lyrics and music. She plays guitar and bass among other instruments. She went back to college to do a degree in sound production a few years ago and is doing well. She drifted into a boozy druggy world and lives a different lifestyle to her siblings. She tends to use the diagnosis as an explanation for her indifference and to be honest, selfishness regarding her siblings. The main “symptoms” she displays are inability to tidy up her own stuff and inability to remain in a relationship for very long. I love her with all my heart but she is horrible to be around. Any advice?
HI Kate, encourage your daughter to get a diagnosis to see if she has ADHD or not. Perhaps something else is going on. Perhaps the ‘boosy / druggy’ life style?
It’s not unheard of for adults to be diagnosed in that age range after being missed in school, despite good grades and behavior. In fact, that’s most common for women diagnosed later in life. They got good grades and weren’t behavior problems, so family is baffled and doesn’t believe them. My husband went through this (albeit, not great grades in school and some behavior issues but nothing major). What happens is mom and dad were the guardrails, keeping her in line. School structures were also guardrails. When all the guardrails come off (post-college, leaving the home) and more adult responsibilities are required (marriage, kids), it becomes overwhelming and ADHD presents itself more. If you go back and look at things from her childhood, you might notice signs. For my husband, it was that yeah, his grades were decent but often he got zeros because he did the work and forgot it in his locker almost daily. Keys locked in places all the time, left in completely random places that causes you to miss work or appointments. As a kid, mom or dad are managing all this and acting as the executive function system. Most people develop the executive function skills they need later as an adult. People with ADHD take longer to develop these EF skills, if at all. So they’re often smart and musically gifted/creative (like your daughter and my husband) but lack the EF skills most of us developed. It can cause SERIOUS relationship issues and self-shame, leading often to other mental health challenges and substance use.
I’m feeling exactly the same right now. My frustration isn’t with a spouse but a close family member that I work with. She uses that she has “ADHD” for anything and everything and it’s driving me crazy. I’m trying REALLY HARD to be empathetic but it’s effecting my work and health because I get so stressed out that I get spasms all over my body and now I’m getting migraines every single day because I’m so aggravated and upset but don’t say anything because she’s just going to use her condition as an excuse to brush off any lack of responsibility. I don’t know how to speak to her about this, how can I when I know how that conversation is going to go. I have my own mental health issues that are cripplingly and very similar to ADHD, but I don’t use it as an excuse.
Yea but how can you tell if they are lying about it. Using the I have adhd its why I don’t clean my room or I have adhd that’s why I don’t pay attention in school. My son has used these excuses. He’s said plain out to my face he hates school and thinks it’s pountless, and says he doesn’t have the same values as his mother and I. Now this too me is a bunch of bull. Both of these statements he’s thrown himself under the bus and is trying to use adhd as an excuse to all of this. With absolutely no definitive test to diagnose this so called disease I’m calling bullshit. If you’ve been diagnosed with adhd it’s because a dr made a choice to do so, he gave his expert opinion and did it. So in reality it was only his opinion. Please someone explain this to me I feel like I’m right on this but I know I don’t totally understand.
Hey Ryan, it sounds like your son is using ADHD as an excuse for not having to step up and do what needs to be done in life. Using it as an explanation is more like, “I get so distracted in class that it’s hard for me to listen. Here’s what I’m going to do about it.” That doesn’t mean he won’t struggle, but it’s an attitude of moving forward and figuring stuff out. As to if ADHD is real or not, check out the Amen Clinics web site. He does SPECT brain scans and it shows the differences in brain activity.
To Ryan, People don’t even know what causes adhd. From the bare amount of context given, it seems your son is using adhd as an excuse. But aside from the lady who said “blah blah blah YEAH THIS IS HOW I’LL GET BETTER!” As an example of an explanation, no real kid will say that. As someone with adhd, there’s not much of a way to get better, you really just have to deal with it. I have it to a pretty bad extent, considering I’ve met adults with it, it varies. My mother compares me to her friend who has adhd, but obviously not the same way I do, considering she acts differently. My history teacher has adhd, he can’t stand distracting noise, as I’m the opposite, and need white noise to focus, which ultimately ends up as I can’t focus all class, but how could I really fix that? That’s like telling a blind person to see in sign language. Me personally, adhd just worsens my other problems and I get issues like sensory overload where I get super twitchy and can’t breathe because I’m overwhelmed, like, once, someone was chewing really loudly in my ear and I looked like I was having a seizure. Obviously don’t assume your kid is fine and/or put his words down for it, try to get him to explain, and try to understand, it’s imo the best option.
I know that my husband uses his ADHD as an excuse because it conveniently arises ONLY when it benefits him. When he wants to get out of a conversation that he finds unpleasant, he just wanders away or actually picks up his phone and calls another person and blames it on his ADHD. A social obligation that he is not looking forward to? Forgotten due to his ADHD. Same with household chores. Things that HE wants to do are remembered just fine. Conversations that he finds important can last for hours. Facts and figures that mean something to him are ingrained in his mind but what day each week the trash is picked up is still a mystery after 12 years. He refuses medication or any sort of therapy. I call bullsh*t on the entire “diagnosis” and think it is just an easy out for a socially acceptable way to be lazy and rude.
Hi Terri, some people do use ADHD as an excuse. I’m sorry you have to live with that frustration. And, please don’t let your frustration paint the entire ADHD diagnosis as BS. Many of us with attention deficit try incredibly hard to manage our behavior. We take medication and improve our brain care. Get coaching and therapy. Learn how to be organized and remember things.
Terri.
I have many of the same issues but I do believe ADHD is real and I bet if you think back, you will recall that your husband has missed out on or forgotten things that were important to him because of ADHD. I’ll give the example of my husband, who several years ago was nominated for a recognition luncheon by one of his favorite students and forgot about it, disappointing both himself and his student. This was about 15 years ago and you would think that would have prompted him to get help. But instead he beat himself up about it and victimized himself. He didn’t get evaluated and formally diagnosed until about a year ago when I asked for a divorce, and even our separating has not prompted him to do the actual work with therapy and behavior modification, instead he wants a quick fix with a pill, and while the medication may help him concentrate more on a specific task, it hasn’t really helped with most of his other symptoms. I wish I could get him to understand and take ownership for how his neglect of his condition burdened his spouse and neglected his family. Even now when I’ve encouraged him to do the “hardwork” that’s required to overcome his obstacles, it seems too little too late. He has been used to someone else taking care of things for 50 years and it appears he doesn’t feel it’s necessary to do anything different. I didn’t help the situation as I should have insisted from the start he take accountability. My own need to control and pass it off as “Its just easier for me to take care of things”, led me to feel angry, resentful, etc. so we parted and he hasn’t changed but I no longer feel the anger, and the resentment is fading because I know what I still have and what he lost. We are working on living as friends and parents. I’m still hopeful that someday it will all “click” for him and he’ll realize his role and have a desire to do the work, but I’m not going to waste another day with negativity or feelings of hopelessness. So keep encouraging your spouse but know that ADHD is real but there is also effective treatment if they want it.
Amy,
I feel your share deep down inside. I am in this teetering relationship with my husband. He uses his ADHD as an excuse as to why he cannot fulfill certain responsibilities and telling him he needs to hold himself accountable for the specific work he needs to Incorporate in order to not repeat behaviors is hard. He is on autopilot most of the time. It’s okay for him to be up all night with his mind-racing with fear and anxiety and binge watching tv and then not be able to wake up in the morning to bring the kids to school. But as a neurotypical person, I have functioned on less sleep for years when my kids were little. I would still wake up and handle my responsibilities, despite also having fear, anxiety and being exhausted. The difference is that it does not consume me the way it consumes him. The actions I take to alleviate my stress would not necessarily work for him.
My husband is a quick fix person too. Something he can ingest or do quickly needs to solve the problem but the reality is that it takes consistent work to break the cycle and consistency is a neurodivergent’s largest obstacle.
I think the hardest part is watching my husband make excuses for himself and convincing himself that he can’t be reliable. It is either I have to accept it and take care of everything myself or have a fight every day. Resentment builds fast. As a partner it is impossible to not feel like your significant other is not acting incredibly selfish.
I sometimes don’t know what the solution is. There are times I am compassionate and understanding, I take on more responsibility so he can “figure things out” but then how do I not feel taken advantage of? How do I not become burnt out?
It’s a vicious cycle. I understand at times when I would run into an old friend who I always knew had ADHD and they aren’t married or have a family and they have a true understanding of why they did not choose that life for themselves- it’s because they knew they would not be able to fulfil the role.
Sometimes I’ve used it how do i stop using it occasionally like i say my rooms isn’t clean or if the dishes aren’t done and put away i do take responsibility for that and i take responsibility forget to do to my home work or if i procrastinate sometimes. Like if i dont do my Hw or if i forget to do my chores i dont use ADHD but sometimes i do depending on what the situation is, *sry if im all over the place*. Like i go to therapy and i take meds and im usually calm its just that how do i stop using it sometimes.
I know someone who is struggling with ADHD. I am not close with this person, but I have had many opportunities to observe their behavior. At first, I did think it was laziness and lack of motivation that kept this person from performing even their most basic responsibilities. And I continue to roll my eyes every time I hear another excuse. It’s like the definition of insanity..they keep doing the same thing over and over agin, but expect a different result. I mention all this bc I can totally relate to what the OP says, but i do believe ADHD is real, and those who struggle with need counseling .
Hi Tim – Thank you for believing ADHD is real. I wish the doubters could spend two days in my brain. Or, one of my clients’ brains. I get it the excuses get exasperating! I strongly believe people with ADHD need to stop relying on excuses and do what they can to manage their ADHD symptoms. Thanks for checking in, Dana
Hi Dana, I live with my girlfriend and her adult daughter is ADHD and trans. I understand messy behavior but my question is; does the diagnosis contribute to awful table manners (chewing with mouth open, no grasp of how to use utensils properly) and she forgets the simplest things (locking the door, flushing the toilet, etc) even though she is constantly reminded gently. How can I adjust and be an ally without losing my mind?
Hi Mike, people with ADHD are more forgetful, however, ADHD is no excuse for poor manners. What’s your girlfriend say?
I’m not Dana but I have been formally diagnosed with a brain scan at Amen Clinics. The forgetfulness aspect applies more to dates and events, or even conversation in my case. Exclusively short-term memory. In the case of your girlfriend’s daughter it is exclusively laziness, not caring, or even mental illness.
I would talk to her about this, it may be hard and they will deflect and deny but you have to be firm and consistent with how you remind and reteach them manners.
Hey Mike, these behaviours are just bad manners. ADHD has nothing to do with a lack of manners. I suspect there may be other issues at hand. This has more to do with parenting and how a child is raised.
wonderful. finally. a person who may be able to help me get it together. I tried to register for your class at https://danarayburn.com/#cta-home but it would not let me register because I did not have the CODE. I am dissappointed to say the least. I was diagnosed with ADHD (severe inattentive type) at age 55. My disorganization has gotten worse over the last 13 years. NOW, I find my self winging it from this to that, sometimes finishing stuff sometimes not. I am driving my wife of 45 years crazy and we just decided that she also may be ADHD, undiagnosed. The good thing is that I have achieved some level of success, earning a BA and Masters and starting a company that was very successful for 14 years when the market in my industry changed drastically and I was unable to adapt. All good in a mud of frustration.
Hi Steve. Wow! Thanks for letting me know the order form for the Foundations of ADHD Success program has gone Rogue. Who knows why it’s asking for a coupon code. I’ve got my tech wizard on it. I’ll let you know when it’s fixed.
“A mud of frustration”. So sad! Glad you’re looking for help!
Warmly, Dana
hello.
I am diagnosed with it last year. I don’t like it yet I can’t complain, I’ve accepted it. From my experience… People use it as an excuse cause they’re not aware and they don’t know “whats the purpose of sharing it.” To me, Dr’s is the one diagnosed me so I’d get a proper treatment for better self-regulation. I’m told people with ADHD just have trouble doing easy tasks. You can tell those that are lying / not use to it / excitable over a diagnosis vs someone who does has is when someone who does has it, doesn’t talk much about it cause we’re used to it and that the medication like I took “Ritalin,” actually worked and has minimal side effects. The diagnosis or even if you’re medicated isn’t for everyone who suspected they have it. It depends if it works on you or not & that has to be effective. I focus on taking care of myself, in hopes I can express better, self-regulate better, be under control with my own life and just fix my normal routine . Fixing my normal routine with ADHD is my priority, not an excuse cause I do has a job I enjoy that I want to take it seriously.
Good news, Steve. The order page for the Foundations of ADHD is fixed!https://danarayburn.com
My daughter is having her 3 yr old constantly tested for ADHD. With every pediatrician appt. I fear he will have to live under a label, just for being a 3 yr old boy cooped up in an appt during Covid.
My 13-year-old brother, Aiden, is failing all his classes. He attributes this to his ADHD. He maintains that his ADHD makes it IMPOSSIBLE to do his work. If you ask him why he didn’t do his work, he will pull the ADHD card all the time. He even goes so far as to say that he should be except from ALL his work because his ADHD disables him from doing his schoolwork. Let me lay this straight. I have OCD and autism as well as chronic depression, but I somehow manage to miraculously get my schoolwork done punctually all the damn time. Every time I tell him this, he says (quote), “Well, your problems are different. Unlike me, you don’t have a disorder that makes it impossible for you to do your schoolwork. ADHD means trouble paying attention and short attention spans. I can’t do my work. It’s impossible.” This excuse is very cliché. His point is basically that all other disorders that may inhibit your work are all nothing, and ADHD is the one and only valid excuse for flouting your work. Hell! There are people without arms that can do their schoolwork. There are people way worse off than people with ADHD, and they still get their schoolwork done on time. ADHD is not, and I repeat not an excuse.
@Cole maybe he just needs a lifes purpose . Gave him something he enjoys like video game? I mean surely he can pay attention to that then ask back “if he can pay attention to game then why not schoolwork?” he needs to be constantly educated that he shouldn’t be define or too friendly with the disorder.
To msanonymous, I’m actually about to scream or something. One thing you’re NOT SUPPOSED TO DO is just say “OH IF YOU CAN PAY ATTENTION TO A GAME WHY CANT YOU FOCUS ON SCHOOLWORK?” I’ve heard it before, it feels like whoever says that doesn’t even care to learn about adhd, and it literally leads to bad relationships and hopelessness, pretty much calling that person lazy or too stupid. =/
Amen!
Well, it’s about stimulation. He’s probably not interested in school work because it’s a s slow, uninteresting, and boring to him as it was for me. And I can tell you right now, unless I was on medication, it was very nearly impossible. I just did whatever I had to in order to pass. Now, medicated, I wish I could go back because I actually would find it more interesting. Also, I never used adhd as an excuse, it’s only now I understand why I had no interest. It simply wasn’t stimulating enough or interesting enough for me, and it’s harder for someone with adhd to force something like that, it’s not just a lack of discipline or that they’re thinking they’re exempt from responsibilities and are just having the time of their lives. Not even close, most people with ADHD have a rough life, broken relationships, unable to keep a job, or problems with the law. It almost always leads to depression and drugs or alcohol to cope with the depression. So maybe your little bro is half-telling the truth, but overdoing it with the excuses. It all comes down to if he’s honest and mature enough to be telling the truth. The only time I ever mentioned my adhd growing up was in reference to locking my car keys in the car or leaving the headlights on, because I literally did it like 100 times over the course of the school year. I mean, that’s bad. I really should have been on medication, but my only concern back then was being cool and partying. I often wish I could go back and actually do it right, because I’m actually quite intelligent it turns out, and I love art and painting and find most topics interesting. I missed a lot of opportunities early on in life because I just could not have cared less about school work. It was literary like torture to try to stay awake and pay attention in class. I’m not sure I ever did it. I failed 7th grade math, was held back in the 3rd grade (that’s when I was diagnosed because of my being hyper and inattentive). Now I have a degree in Mathematics, but have never applied myself. So the medication helped me focus on school, but I still like the habits and a structure needed to succeed. And I want to succeed very badly. I want to get cognitive therapy but it’s hard for me to follow through and set it up. And my partner thinks that I use my ADHD as an excuse and takes it personally when I’m late or forgetful. It’s a major strain on our relationship, it makes me feel very inept and hurt, and like he doesn’t understand that I love him and respect him and would do anything for him, but I just have flaws, and I don’t intentionally not listen or run late(like I am right now because I’m writing this! Whoops!), because I don’t care. I just lack the sense of urgency without immediate consequences in front of me, I don’t feel that sense of responsibility that I think comes naturally to others. Its like you could hold a gun to my head and be l like “put the paint brush down and get ready for work” and I’d be like “no, no, hold on one second, I can’t just leave this brush with paint dried on it!” . I know to the partners of those with adhd it’s probably not funny but I try to find the humor in it, and i think you should try to understand that for people who actually have ADHD, they aren’t lazy, uncaring, or narcissistic. There is a proven scientifically proven disability there, and they love you and need support too. I think there’s a lack of understanding on both sides. But anyone who callously says, “sorry, ADHD”, give me a break. I mean, that’s just like beyond nerve. I don’t even expect people to believe adhd is real, let alone use it as an excuse in life to not do things. If they are on medication, there’s no excuse, and if they are not, it still shouldn’t be dealt out like an free pass on responsibilities in life.
I find this really hard. If people can supposedly do everything fine with ADHD (school, appointments, conversations, etc.), what is ADHD then?
I’ve never said people with ADHD can do everything fine. We can’t. We struggle. The difference between an excuse and an explanation is a attitude. Excuse – I have ADHD so I don’t have to even try and improve. Explanation – I have ADHD and I am trying to do better and be more dependable.
Yui, I agree with you 100%. Dr. Rayburn, I’m not trying to bag on you, but the non-ADD posters. What sounds like they are trying to say, is that even though a person may have ADD they shouldn’t have any symptoms. A cold is medical condition with identifiable symptoms. ADD is a medical condition with identifiable symptoms. If anybody out there gets a cold they will call their boss and say hi I have cold I’m sick and I either have to take a sick day or I have to work from home. What I hear the non-ADD posters saying is, I don’t care if you have a cold I’m not going to let you take any sick days, and you better not take any kleenexes either, but if you drip snot everywhere you’re fired/ divorced/ dumped. 😳
Lack attention. Emotional overload and also lack of emotions. Impulsive tendencies. When Im not on meds i feel like 30 different characters are fighting for the spotlight and my brain is on overload. Example. I could go from extreme excitement for a game to extreme anxiety too oh it’s nice day to i hate everybody and anger and then to why is no one talking to me. I feel a lot of times to cope. we chose to put on blank face and pretend we’re fine. On meds I feel like all the personalities are gone but I also feel like a drone that can only understand direct statements and lack any type of emotion.
Hello, an ADHD-diagnosed high school student here! I’ve been really stressed over schoolwork lately since I’ve been highly demotivated ever since we’ve had to sit for online classes ever since quarantine started. It’s a genuine struggle – I’ve been missing so many assignments and barely focus in class and even if I wanted to explain to my teachers about my ADHD I’m scared that they’ll see it as an excuse. I’m not even sure how I can manage my symptoms or myself either ; I’ve been hitting rock bottom and it’s mentally draining….
Hi Sara, I so sorry to hear you’re struggling. I hope you are under a doctor’s care and getting treated for ADHD. And, do discuss it with your teachers. You need help! Good luck, Dana
My sister has ADHD, bipolar disorder, and possibly cluster b and/or c personality disorders that they couldn’t pin down. Since her diagnosis she’s escalated her use of ADHD to cover every possible failing. Much of it makes sense, like tardiness, difficulty with shopping, cooking, housework, etc. However, she also states that she cannot manage any paperwork, money, bringing in her mail, setting or keeping appointments for herself or her child, organizing her meds, or even taking – SWALLOWING – her meds. To keep her propped up her family pays all her bills, does all her paperwork, making appointments and reminding her (repeatedly) of them, ordering and organizing her meds, etc.
She’s 46 and a single mom. I absolutely understand the ADHD, but this seems extreme and like she’s got other issues and she expects everyone to agree that it’s all due to ADHD. Is this possible? If it weren’t for us helping she’d be homeless because she cannot manage adult living. Either that or she’d qualify for a group home for folks who can’t live independently.
She’s indignant when anyone questions the ADHD explanation, but I don’t think most adults with ADHD are this badly off. She often doesn’t take her meds because there are too many pills because…ADHD?
I have ADHD. So do my kids. But we take responsibility for our shortcomings and try to shore up our weaknesses. So I try to understand, but it’s very hard to buy that ADHD alone can cause this level of dysfunctionality.
What do you think?
I think there’s a host of other issues going on. Codependency, depression, dysfunction. It sounds like your sister is your family scapegoat. The scapegoat is the one that they focus all the attention on so they don’t have to take a look at their own dysfunction.
I do things to simplify my life. I used to hate making the bed, I hated it! you have the top sheet, you have the blanket, the bead spread, and too many pillows to count. It’s ridiculous to me to spend more than two minutes making a bed. It would actually put me in a bad mood and the thought of it was so frustrating that I just didn’t do it. I said to my therapist “why should I make my bed? because society says I need to make my bed?” F@&!-that. My therapist said “because you deserve to get into a maid bed at night, it’s part of self-care”. So I took two sheets and made a duvet, I got rid of the bedspread and instead got a comforter ( that I Love) I down-sized to two pillows. When I wake up I get out of bed I shake out the duvet I fluff up the pillows …. And I have a nice made bed, that looks good it took me less than two minutes. Best of all I get to go to sleep at night in a nice made bed.
Excellent Kristin! Yes, making things easier is a huge trick for reducing resistance to getting stuff done. Like you, I struggled with making the bed until I discovered duvets. I do the first step of making the bed before I get out – pull all the sheets and such up; a final straighten and toss on the pillows when I get up. It takes about 15 seconds to make the bed. It’s certainly not perfect, and it look much better all day AND we deserve to get into a made bed. Thanks for writing, Dana
So I have spent copious amounts of time learning all the scientific facts and psychological evidence about my adhd. I am 37 and was diagnosed in 3rd grade. I’ve never made an excuse of my adhd, but my husband will not accept it as an explanation for anything. Its always a character issue. I cannot change the fact that I’m forgetful. You can’t just go out and get a new brain. Medication has always been difficult for me as I cannot handle stimulants otherwise I never sleep, and nothing else seems to be effective. I’ve desperately clung to coping mechanisms (healthy and otherwise) to get through, but now that we have kids and they are getting older they have ADHD and autism too. So not only am I managing my own ADHD I have to manage theirs too. Is there no forgiveness? Is there no amount of understanding in this god forsaken world? So tell me am I making an exuse? Because it seems hopeless for me? How am I in the wrong when my brain is messing up and I can’t just go to the drug store and get a new one? I’m not in control and no amount of drugs will ever make me in control. The only thing that was remotely effective I found out is now destroying my eyesight. This whole.world is constructed for people with no mental illness or people who are perfect and responsible in every way. If I was able to just flip a switch or take a pill or get a shot to make my adhd go away I would in a heartbeat. But that’s not how it works. No amount of trying or effort is gonna make things any better either. I do what I can but everyone else expects more. Why can’t this whole society just accept that? There are different types and levels of ADHD just like autism. Its not an excuse its an explanation. If it is attached to a promise to “better” ourselves then we are making a promise we can’t keep. When I’m already giving 100% how can I promise more? I exhaust myself day in and day out with the effort, but that’s not good enough? The heck it is! Seriously tell me I’m wrong. ADHD in and of itself is a stand alone explanation. I need no excuse for who I am.